I look at my cats cuddled up to each other at the foot of my bed, and my eyes well up and I start crying because I love them so much. They need each other, I need them. My love is also my inevitable loss. I don’t know what shape these tears would make. Emotions jumbled together in a shifting kaleidoscope, pain and love and fear, or if this feeling has its own tiny molecular shape, bittersweet.
I wonder if I’m withdrawing from the opioid the dentist gave me after wisdom tooth surgery. Since finishing the pain meds, my anxiety is high, I’m always on the verge of tears, my sound sensitivity is flared up. I either can’t sleep or can’t get out of bed. I’m alternating between hot flashes and chills. Is this healing? The jaw bone building up the holes, tissues forming. I’m not eating enough. I don’t want any more jello, I’m so souped out. I’m irritable.
I feel sick, but I’m not sick. I scan through all the body checklists in my mind and I cannot identify this. I can’t exercise this crushing feeling out, can’t soak it away in the bath, can’t calm it with emotional eating. I don’t even want to eat, and that is weird. Depression? I’m able to go to work, I just feel so off. I’m not in physical pain. Am I being too sensitive?
I’m drinking lots of water, I’m checking my temperature for fever, and the holes are pink, no sign of infection. On the two week mark from the dental surgery next week, I’m going to the doctor if I still don’t feel like myself.