Mornings

I love the morning. When I have nowhere to be, that I can lie in bed with my cats brings me joy. The fourth floor gets so hot in the afternoon. By the middle of the night, a cool breeze has found the bedroom window and the curtain billows like a ship's sail when the wind blows a certain direction. It is glorious in the morning to be so comfortable for a small window of time. No need for the fans and AC which leave me annoyed at the continuous feel of air moving on my skin.

I sometimes go to bed early so I won't sleep through this beautiful time. How many mornings I've wasted in being unconscious or having to work.

My cats are needy in the morning. They know I always get up and feed them so they crawl on me and cuddle and knead me as a giant lump of dough. Before I moved to a new apartment and got a different bed, they both slept by my feet. Now they only come when they are doing their best to get me downstairs where the food goes into bowls. The new bed is much higher from the ground than the old mattress on the floor, and it seems narrower. The night I realized this I leapt out of bed to grab a measuring tape to ensure I actually bought a Queen, googling mattress dimensions at 2:00 am. I have an 'under the bed' area now which they enjoy, but morning is our bonding time.

Lou is draping herself over my side and purring, I reflect on my failed relationships. How I'm better alone. The ways I change and compromise myself to get what I think I'm supposed to want. I see my life as whole and full of love without a husband or kids, I'm not lonely. I think of the cartoon where the girl squeezes the cat, "I will love you, and squeeze you…" as the cat is struggling to escape. I am manipulating attention from my cats by delaying feeding them. Control issues. People always say, "you'll find someone when you least expect it," and, "there is someone out there for everyone," and, "have you tried online dating?" I don't want to give up all the space in my bed, or in my head, or take in all the worries and noise that follows sharing your life with another human. I think about robot lovers, Amanda Palmer's song 'Coin Operated Boy'. I think about how a spouse could have helped me move, could pay half the rent, but does that make me an awful selfish person? Venus in Capricorn.

I don't want to take the ear plugs out yet, it's so peaceful. I don't want to be vertical and deal with things that require me leaving this nest or getting dressed or using stairs. I just want to stay in this blissful bubble before the temperature rises and the moment is gone.